If you’re Broken, you might just need more scars
have you ever been broken ?
If you’re Broken, you might just need more scars
Sometimes I wish I had more scars
A scar was the only proof of transaction
A scar was a way for me to remember
How my body became a means of relief for another
How my body was not my property
I wish they’d beat me so hard there were permanent marks
I wish they’d stripped off my skin as they stripped me naked
I wish they’d wounded me to the extent they wounded themselves in the process
Might as well have I guess
At night when I sit and think about what I have left to remember
To hold onto as I cry myself to sleep
Atleast id have a scar to never forget
My memory doesn’t work as well
But it burdens me with knowing
So sometimes I wish I had more scars
I worked hard to erase my scars, but as I continue to feel broken I think maybe pain is not meant to be erased… it doesn’t make me feel less broken when my scars fade away… think if you drop a tea cup on the floor and try to glue all the pieces you broke back together, there will be more holes and cracks of air than before each time your drop the cup.
we’re fragile this way as humans too, on the one hand I want to say we’re not meant to be broken
But for some reason our bodies are equipped to hold our pain
Or maybe they’re not which is why pain and suffering always look for other places to go, why our bodies shut down, or how they can even become foreign to us as the people holding the controller
Life is full of pain, but I think the scariest pain comes from when other people drop us and know we’ll break and do it again, and again
why would anyone do that?
And
How can I trust myself to not do the same?
The people who broke me are broken themselves
Is this what broken people do?
Maybe
Especially with no scars to remember
Especially since
dropping teacups is all I know
or rather all I understand
How can I unlearn this with only memory and no scars
Scars are tactile
Memories are untrustworthy
Therefore in times searching for feelings or hope and relief I can remember things differently and when the real world corroborates with these delusions, that’s what I have left. It feels good to forget. And to live in a different world… that’s good.
Until I am broken and forced to remember
Because of this I still feel like a caged bird, as my pain sings chimes to one day be set free. I still feel my pain when someone pulls me in for a hug and I get quick chills, or when remembrance is only used for comedy as there’s pressure to turn pain into performance these days…
If I had a permanent scar every time someone broke me, I’d never play these games again. I’d never believe the delusions. I would’ve guarded my heart fully. I would’ve ran away…
I realized this one day after getting a cellphone, and tried to create digital scars. Record everything, take photos of it all, write it down to never forget. But my storage ran out, and when you have to keep on living you have to choose (literally) to hold onto the bad or to save the good. In trend with forgiveness and all the other grief steps, I decided to let go of most bad things.
What I have left of the digital scars are now used to educate new people in my life on my past(or present a few times a year). But because my digital scars are video, audio, and written reliving them is painful or painfully funny— so I just don’t.
Scars are tactile
I wish I could touch my pain for a few seconds and then stop touching with specificity. Like the dementors from Harry Potter’s class when you can conjure your deepest fear pull it out of the chest and say, “expecto patronum” just to send it back into the chest. Seeing isn’t believing when you’re broken, feeling is.
But sadly in the real world there is no patronus charms—only experience, artifacts, and memory.
So if you’re Broken, you might just need more scars.
very unedited essay, but I like it this way :=>